If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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