Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
