I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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