i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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