billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
