i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
