Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
