I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
