So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
