3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
