Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
