Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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