Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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