How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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