Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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