I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
