if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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