I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
