I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
