He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
