Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
