just tell him i said nine months
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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