I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
