I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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