I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
do herpes really smell.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
