Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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