I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize