saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
