I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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