Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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