all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
