She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
