I wannas sexs uuuuu
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
