I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
