i permit you to call me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
