just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
