it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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