I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
