not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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