I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
