it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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