1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
