I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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