I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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