from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize