So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
