I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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