I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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