i would punch a child for taco bell
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
