I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
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