No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
