i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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