You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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