My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
