We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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