my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
