It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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